Matsuri Mass Mayhem (Kaiju 014)

April 6, 2002

Boston, MA

Over 1200 humans bore witness to mass destruction: more crush-able city scapes were destroyed in two hours than in all recent Big Battel history combined. Following a performance by Les Savy Fav, Unibouzu made his unannounced Kaiju Big Battel debut only to be defeated by the American Beetle and his long lost shield. Dr. Cube’s posse then suffered a string of defeats: as his partner Super Minion #96 looked on, Hell Monkey was thrown from a 58-story building before being pinned by Los Plantanos; Multimoog was slain by the chest puncturing fist of Slo Feng; and Cube’s newest creation, Gomi-man was defeated in a “Trash Match” by Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle. Cube had the last laugh however, interfering on behalf of Silver Potato in the Championship match and handing him a tarnished win over Uchu Chu. April 2002, Massachusetts College of Art, Boston MA.

On Saturday April 6th, 2002, the city of Boston was left in ruins as the contending forces of Kaiju clashed at Matsuri Mass Mayhem. Over 1200 humans bore witness to the mass destruction: more crushable cityscapes were destroyed in two hours than in all recent Big Battel history combined. The sold-out crowd was eager to experience the spectacle, yet few were ready to handle the intensity of the action. And after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, Louden Noxious led the mayhem-starved crowd in a countdown to danger. A total of five Battels rendered the human population dumbstruck, their awe and disbelief palpable.

Unscheduled Match: American Beetle Vs Unibouzu

American Beetle demonstrated good, old-fashioned American tenacity as he heroically protected the fragile cityscape from a new and unknown monster during the first (and unscheduled) Battel. The mystery beast, a red-and-blue sea-urchin-type monster, kicked off the event by destroying every building within reach. Later revealed to be “Unibouzu,” the mysterious monster is apparently a new Rogue Kaiju determined to make grand entrances. The American Beetle, who is no stranger to showboating, seized the opportunity and proved to everyone that “American” ends in “I can!” Even though Unibouzu was covered in deadly spikes and appeared to be unstoppable, American Beetle defeated the rogue beast with the help of his long-lost red, white, and blue shield. In the end, the patriotic crowd chanted, “U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A…” For one unifying moment, everyone at the Battel was proud to be an American Beetle fan.

Tag Team Match: Los Plantanos Vs Hell Monkey and Super Minion #96

Many years ago, the one-eyed Hell Monkey mistook Los Plantanos (AKA The Plantain Twins) for two giant bananas and attacked the South American brothers in a fit of savage hunger. Los Plantanos fought off the evil monkey and declared both Dr. Cube and his Hell Monkey “Public Enemy Numero Uno.” This heated rivalry came to a head, as Los Plantanos took on Hell Monkey and Super Minion #96 in a spectacular tag-team Battel.

Kaiju analysts continue to argue that this good-versus-evil tag-team-style Battel was the most heroic contest of Matsuri Mass Mayhem. Dr. Cube’s Minions released Hell Monkey from his cryogenic chamber and Super Minion #96 armored himself with extra-heavy stomp boots and an angular rock helmet. Los Plantanos remained calm and jovial, not intimidated by Cube’s beasts. After some initial struggle, the twins executed their repertoire of double team moves that blew their opponents away. The Battel was not an easy win; Hell Monkey set Pedro Plantain on a table and scaled a 58-story building in an attempt to smash the plantain with a high-flying assault. Pablo wasn’t having it however; in an attempt to save his brother, he scaled the skyscraper and threw Hell Monkey off the tower, onto the street. Los Plantanos made the win official by dragging Hell Monkey’s limp body back into the ring and delivering a tandem pin for the win. Once again, Los Plantanos proved that “Plantanos No Son Amarillo!”

David and Goliath Battel: Multimoog Vs Slo Feng

Multimoog, Dr. Cube’s most massive beast, took on Slo Feng in this David-and-Goliath-style Battel. Although not the smartest member of Dr. Cube’s Posse, the towering Multimoog was billed as the strongest, most powerful city-crushing monster in Cube’s ranks. Multi Moog was so massive he had trouble getting into the ring! Not that it matters now, because Dr. Cube’s gigantic beast never made it out of the ring alive. After Jingi slapped the mat and yelled “Fighto,” Slo Feng wasted no time, immediately drawing a pistol (which supposedly belonged to his late grandfather). Slo Feng squeezed the trigger, but the old gun misfired and Slo Feng swiftly adopted a fighting stance. After a quick calculation, Slo Feng rushed Moog, throwing one well-placed punch. So carefully calculated was the punch that the fist of the Viking-like hero pierced Moog’s chest. Feng proceeded to remove a chunk of Moog’s heart and the giant monster dropped to the floor and never got back up. The crowd was in shock, and after trying to save the bleeding beast, Louden Noxious called for an impromptu commercial break. By the time the commercial break was over, Cube’s Minions had dragged the dead Moog out off the ring and carefully collected all of Moog’s body parts in black plastic trash bags.

Trash-Can Match: Gomi-man Vs Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle

The “Trash-Can Match” pitted Kaiju Big Battel’s most popular Rogue wrestler, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, against Dr. Cube’s newest creation, Gomi-man. As the newest member of Dr. Cube’s Posse, the trash monster was eager to prove his worth. But Soup wasn’t about to let the newcomer disrupt his recent winning streak, so the resourceful can used several “found” objects (including a shopping cart, a computer keyboard, and a crutch) against the beastly Gomi-man. The fighting was dirty; the lack of sportsmanship was despicable. The toxic fumes of Gomi-man drove the crowd to the brink of insanity. For some unknown reason, the raging crowd clapped and chanted in unison, “Pull your pants up!” In the end, Soup reigned supreme over Gomi-man and walked away the victor.

Kaiju Championship Match: Silver Potato Vs Uchu Chu

The Kaiju Championship Match was a whirlwind of surprises, upsets, and screw jobs. The treacherous Uchu Chu was defending his Championship title from the mighty Silver Potato. Uchu Chu put up a fierce fight but was afraid of losing the Belt, so he called on fellow Team Space Bug members Mung Wun and Sky Deviler. Uchu Chu commanded his two faithful space bugs to topple a 48-story building onto Silver Potato midway through the Battel. The moment the building crushed Potato, Dr. Cube emerged from the audience and entered the Battel. Dr. Cube destroyed Uchu with a raging storm of technical moves and Potato eventually crawled from the rubble to engage Cube and Uchu Chu in a three-way dance of danger. Cube took advantage of Potato and Uchu Chu’s fatigue, knocking them out cold. The manipulative Dr. Cube then dragged Silver Potato onto Uchu Chu, so Jingi called the three-count and declared Silver Potato the new Kaiju Champion. This was no mistake on Dr. Cube’s behalf: by tainting Potato’s victory, Cube managed to kill two enemies with one stone; not only did he strip the belt from Uchu Chu but he tarnished Potato’s image by assisting him with the win. The mighty Potato promised to recapture the Kaiju Belt for all the wholesome Kaiju fans, but this defiled win leaves many wondering about his legitimacy as Kaiju Champ.