April 26, 2003
New York, NY
Manhattan rocked with the first NYC Big Battel of 2002. Following opening entertainment by the Trachenburg Family Slideshow Players, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle and Unibouzu squared off for the coveted number-one contender position. Due to some interference and an over-sized cinder block Unibouzu walked away with the win and a pending shot at the belt. In true storybook fashion, Dusto Bunny disposed of Gomi-Man with a little help from Louden Noxious. Mota Naru and Sky Deviler defeated Slo Feng and American Beetle to win the Kaiju Invitational Tournament. In a confusing turn of events, two imposters posing as Los Plantanos took out a pair of excited New York fans, Referee Jingi, and Louden Noxious before the real Los Plantanos arrived to save the day. The most shocking moment of the night came when Silver Potato took on Hell Monkey for the Championship Belt. Cube’s Posse stuck their nose where they didn’t belong, securing a win for Hell Monkey. But before Hell Monkey could celebrate, Super Dimensional Slug 1 went back in time and wiped Ballroom Blitzed from the timeline. April 26 2003, Roseland Ballroom, NYC.
Due to Dr. Cube’s mastery of SDS-1’s complex time manipulations, nearly all records of New York City Ballroom Blitzed were lost. A select team of top investigators commissioned by the Kaiju Regulatory Commission was chosen to get to the bottom of this clockwork conundrum. After an intense survey of the grounds surrounding the Roseland Ballroom, the supposed site of the Battel, the elite force only unearthed half eaten doughnuts, rotten apple cores, and piles upon piles of chicken bones. The researchers had seemingly hit a brick wall.
With funding for the project dwindling, and attention shifting to the rapidly approaching Philly Factory Fighto, it seemed as if the Ballroom Blitzed would become another casualty of America’s short attention span. Unwilling to let any Battel face the same fate as parachute pants, the crack squad looked to the greatest source of any culture’s history: the trash. Knowing Gomi-man’s attendance was certain at any Battel, the research team decided to track him down and excavate his personal landfill. Luckily for all, their hunch was dead on. A few pictures taken on a disposable camera, a hipster magazine reporter’s notebook filled with more phone numbers than actual news pieces, and sweat smeared notes from Kaiju’s own Louden Noxious were uncovered, allowing the Kaiju Regulatory Commission to piece together what they think might have happened.
Match 1: Seafood Soup Surprise
Unibouzu Defeated Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle
Details of this battle between the tin titan and the macho mollusk are cloudier than a bowl of miso soup. Apparently this Battel was for the coveted #1 contender spot, giving the victor a chance at the Kaiju Championship Belt. Considering the alliance that has been developing between Kaiju’s sea creatures it is safe to assume that Call-Me-Kevin had something to do with Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle’s loss.
Match 2: Easter Savior?
Dusto Bunny Defeated Gomi Man
Dusto Bunny is known for his amazing annual Easter parties, but none of the Heroes can remember attending one during the spring of 2003. Examination of spring break footage offered plenty of embarrassing relative sightings, but no clues about what occurred in the Danger Cage. But judging from a copy of the exclusive guest list, it’s likely a snubbed Gomi-man crashed the party.
Match 3: Danger Duet
Mota Naru and Sky Deviler Defeated Slo Feng and American Beetle
The first ever Kaiju Invitational Tournament ended up with two of Kaiju’s greatest Heroes teaming up against Team Space Bug’s strongest tag team. Office pools throughout the country ended in nasty e-mails regarding the outcome of this match. Many say they saw the bad guys get the win, but with no official record, no money exchanged hands, much to the delight of everyone who had picked Uchu Chu to win it all.
Match 4: Fan Not-So-Fun Time
Los Plantanos Defeated Los Plantanos
Your guess is as good as ours. Sources report four Plantains in the ring at the same time. Crayon drawings by a five year-old in attendance delineate the two teams by coloring one pair green and one pair yellow. If “Los Plantanos no son Amarillos!” then who was in the ring with them claiming to be Los Plantanos? The two fans that were supposedly attacked were useless. One couldn’t stop staring at his hands and sucking on a pacifier while the other was too busy lifting weights and listening to 30 cent mix tapes.
Match 5: Championship Belt Battel
Hell Monkey Defeated Silver Potato
Fragments of the event program indicate that Silver Potato was to face Hell Monkey one-on-one at Ballroom Blitzed. Photographic evidence however points to the involvement of nearly every member of Dr. Cube’s Posse, including Dino Kang Jr. and his freshly regenerated limb. Louden’s closing note on his card for the evening says it all. In big block letters, the mouth of the mayhem scrawled out one word: “DOOMED.”
Results
Unibouzu def Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle
Dusto Bunny def Gomi-man
Mota Naru & Sky Deviler Sr. def Slo Feng & American Beetle
Los Plantanos (Pablo Plantain & Pedro Plantain) def The Plantain Twin Imposters (Imposter Plantain #1, Imposter Plantain #2)
Kaiju Grand Championship Match: Hell Monkey def Silver Potato (c) with interference by Dr. Cube’s Posse. (Title Change)
Kaiju Big Battel 