February 9, 2008
New York, NY
When Kaiju Big Battel invaded Manhattan’s Webster Hall on Saturday February 9th, grown-men cried, adoring young ladies screamed, and a mob of humans got their money’s worth, plus some. New York Blackout was no ordinary night of live monster wrestling: The Kaiju Commissioner revealed his latest Big Battel concept, the Black Box.The Commish was beyond pleased with the execution of the Black Box initiative and if the sold-out crowd’s response was any indication, the Black Box has secured a place in future Big Battels…
Open Challenge: Unibouzu VS ?
Louden Noxious welcomed all of the devout Kaiju followers and called Referee Jingi away from the bar (juice bar, of course), so that he could officiate the first match. Unibouzu hopped to the Big Ring, confident that he would easily dismantle his mystery opponent.
To everyone’s surprise, returning Kaiju Hero Slo Feng answered Uni’s challenge. Slo Feng dominated Unibouzu early on, showing off some of the new moves in his repertoire, including the Swede Stampede, the Massive Meatball, and the North Sea-Saw. Just as it looked like a rout was on, Unibouzu smashed open a Big Battel Black Box containing a cellular phone and called D.W. Cycloptopuss III for assistance. The two Sea Amigos hammered Slo Feng until he was able to get to a second Black Box which contained yet another phone.
Answering Slo Feng’s collect call, Powa Ranjuru entered and evened the odds, neutralizing Cycloptopuss. Unibouzu tried to phone Call-Me-Kevin for help, but the crustacean champion never came to make the save.
A helpless Unibouzu was then easily put down by Slo Feng’s devastating new maneuver, the Ikea Driver! The two classic competitors then celebrated their triumph in the Big Ring.
While most in the crowd were pleased by Slo Feng’s victory, one loudmouth interrupted Louden Noxious as he was trying to introduce the next fighto. Louden quickly determined that the heckler was none other than Human fighter, Chris Hero. The two exchanged words before Hero crossed the line and attacked Louden, simultaneously injuring both his backside and his ego. Hero was immediately ejected from the building by Webster Hall security.
Hero Handicapped Fighto: Sun Buster VS The CIA Plantains
Louden had the unenviable task of disappointing new Hero Sun Buster, alerting him that his scheduled opponents, the CIA Plantains, had gone on strike. Regardless, Sun Buster would face two simultaneous combatants. Enter the Scabs!
The filthy scabs picked apart Sun Buster, but found that the helio-Hero was a bit too hot to handle. The Buster was able to hold his own, outsmarting the replacements, until he could no longer ward off the two-on-one assault.
The incompetent Scabs missed several opportunities to pin Sun Buster, instead choosing to beat down their opponent. No matter how much punishment they delivered, however, Buster refused to give-up.
Suddenly, Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder appeared, bowling over the two Scabs. The substitutes could not stop the rock, and Boulder pinned both of them, stealing Sun Buster’s potential victory. After the fighto, Boulder continued to hog the spotlight by using Sun Buster’s interview time, amd demanding a shot at the Kaiju Championship Belt.
Tandem Title Trouble: Uchu & Yarsminko VS Neo Teppen & American Beetle
Uchu Chu and Yarsminko came up short against Neo Teppen and American Beetle. Both teams were evenly matched until Dai Hachi Hachi got involved, bringing out a celebratory round of Royal Jelly. Yarsminko, confident that he was just moments aways from capturing the Double Danger Tandem Titles in his Battel debut, left the match to get his drink on.
Uchu Chu and Dai Hachi Hachi continued the attack on the Heroes, but after a bit of a miscommunication caused by an inebriated Yarsminko, American Beetle and Neo Teppen regained the advantage.
Neo Teppen managed to pull off the victory by using Secret Power #17 – The Reverse Summit Plummet. Afterwards, a frustrated Uchu Chu was very upset that Dai Hachi Hachi had brought out the Royal Jelly which Uchu had recently sworn off.
RoBox Robolimination Rumble
The Robox Robolimination Robo-Rumble had big implications: the winner would be declared top contender for the Kaiju Championship Belt. RoBox announced Tucor and Super Wrong as the first two entrants.
Super Wrong tried to outsmart Tucor, but Dr. Cube’s hamster-toucan-gorilla hybrid was simply too ferocious. The third entrant into the rumble was Tadd Braddley Hawaiian Paddler, who scored a pinfall immediately after landing the Space Tornado O-Cowabunga. The fourth entrant, Zombie Plantain, seemed more intent on eating his opponent than defeating him.
Tadd Bradley kept the pressure on and, after a few vicious pecks, was able to put away the Zombie Plantain with an Alohalocaust. The final entrant, Dusto Bunny, came out to a huge ovation and squared off with his fellow Hero. The two were playful at first, but it wasn’t long before it got personal, as both monsters wanted a shot at the coveted Kaiju Championship Belt. Dusto Bunny used an impressive variation of the Bunny Shot to defeat Tadd Braddley, but his victory was quickly tarnished.
In a shocking turn of events, Chris Hero reappeared to embarrass the already Battel-worn Heroes. Snatching the mic from Louden, Hero claimed that he is the greatest fighter of all time and that not even Kaiju monsters can top him. Hero then disappeared, but not before taking a few more cheap shots at Dusto Bunny, punching Jingi in the face, and knocking down RoBox.
Kaiju Championship Belt Battel: Call-Me-Kevin VS The Grudyin
In the main event of the evening, Call-Me-Kevin defended the Kaiju Grand Championship against The Grudyin. It was announced at the start of the match that the winner would be given the option to pick one of two Black Boxes – one box contained $100,000,000.00 and the other the Kaiju Championship Belt.
Dr. Cube then led The Grudyin to the Big Ring and announced that his wild beast would snap Kevin’s neck bone in front of the sold-out crowd.
Looking for an early advantage, The Grudyin smashed open a Black Box, only to find Baby Sky Deviler (who must have accidentally fallen into the Black Box packing machine). As he went to pass the infant off to Dr. Cube, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle made his presence felt by clearing house and rescuing his protege.
Call-Me-Kevin put up a heck of a fight, but the more powerful Grudyin was able to get the best of him. Call-Me-Kevin called out the Sea Amigos for backup, but his teammates were evidently still angry at Kevin for failing to come their aid earlier in the night, and attacked their former friend instead of aiding him. The Grudyin finished off Kevin with his own move, the Leap Of Crustacean, and was left with the daunting task of picking a Black Box.
Unfortunately, The Grudyin picked the Black Box containing the cash, and had to settle for 100,000,000 runner-up prizes. Then, when Call-Me-Kevin got his spiney claws on the Kaiju Championship Belt, he was imbued with an awesome power, and leveled both The Grudyin and Dr. Cube to end the night.
NY Blackout was an incredible night of live monster wrestling, and left many lingering questions… How long will Kevin remain Champ? What will The Grudyin do with his cash winnings? Will Slo Feng and Powa join forces in a new tag team? What does Dr. Cube feed the Zombie? Will Chris Hero pay for insulting the Heroes? Are cell phones the new folding chairs in the Big Ring? Only time will tell…
Results
Slo Feng def Unibouzu
Steam-Powered Tentacle Boulder & Sun Buster def Scab 1 & Scab 2
Kaiju Double Danger Tandem Title Match: American Beetle & Neo Teppen (c) def Uchu Chu & Yarsmenko
Robox Robolimination Rumble: Dusto Bunny def Hawaiian Paddler Tadd Bradley, Zombie Plantain, Super Wrong & Tucor
Kaiju Grand Title vs 100M Dollar: Call-Me-Kevin (c) def The Grudyin
Kaiju Big Battel 