March 29, 2008
Providence, RI
Danger Strikes Back. What a fitting Battel name. New Heroes debuted, the towering metal monstrosity known as the Danger Cage returned, legendary officials fell, and Lupo’s Heartbreak Hotel will never be the safe again. Danger was on the menu, and Providence, Rhode Island ordered a double Danger burger with monster cheese, hold the pickles.
Hero Intern ’08 vs D.W. Cycloptopuss III
D.W. Cycloptopuss III started the evening with an open challenge to any Kaiju Hero, and to the sea beast’s surprise, Hero Intern ’08 made his first ever Big Battel appearance. Although equipped with a guitar power-up, the rocking rookie was without the guidance of a Kaiju mentor. Surprisingly, HI-8 held his own until an infuriated Cycloptopuss tackled him to the ground.
Unibouzu then crashed the Cage and the two Sea Amigos dismantled HI-8 until Tadd Bradley Hawaiian Paddler made an unexpected return. Against physician’s orders, the Aloha Warrior evened the odds, until D.W. dove from the top of the cage, taking out everyone, including Referee Jingi. With Jingi incapacitated, Louden Noxious stopped the match, and the Salbinos carried the mustachioed master of justice away on a stretcher.
Unable to find a suitable ref-replacement, Louden determined that the great Kaiju fans would have to make the three count to end each fighto. D.W. tried to capitalize on the confusion, but HI-8 scored a huge upset, pinning Cycloptopuss in the middle of the cage. With perhaps the most impressive debut in Kaiju history, the Hero Intern ’08 could quickly move up the ranks into Kaiju Championship Belt contention.
Heroes vs Team Space Bug
The Double Danger Tandem Titles were defended next when Neo Teppen and American Beetle took on the team of Yarsminko and Dai Hachi Hachi. Team Space Bug put up a heck of a fight, but an inebriated Yarsminko seemed lost without the guidance of Uchu Chu.
On multiple occasions Dai Hachi Hachi came close to pinning Neo Teppen, but after an American Beetle assisted Authority Punt, the heroic champions performed a devastating towering tandem elbow drop which was enough to keep the bee down for good. With a second straight victory over Team Space Bug, surely Neo Teppen and American Beetle will be looking for some fresh challengers.
Super Wrong vs Dino Kang Jr.
Before the next fighto, Louden Noxious received an update on Jingi’s condition, telling the audience that the doctors at Hasboro’s Operation Department were attempting an emergency bread basket removal, but were concerned that justice wouldn’t hold on long enough to see the dawn over Narraganset Bay. Despite being visually shaken by the news, Louden introduced the next contest, which was scheduled to be Super Wrong versus Dino Kang Jr.
The scheduled match-up went out the window, when Dino Kang, as waddled to the Danger Cage, was ambushed by surly human Chris Hero, who then usurped his spot in the match. The futuristic figurante put on his best performance to date, getting under Hero’s skin with his dance moves, but Hero once again proved he could hang in the Kaiju Big Ring, despite his puny human stature.
After defeating Super Wrong, Louden asked Hero exactly what he intended to do in Kaiju. Hero explained that his New York Blackout assault on Dusto Bunny and Tadd Braddley caught the eye of the Kaiju Commissioner who wanted to sign Hero to a Kaiju contract to avoid any future attacks. Hero, however, promises to wreck havoc in the Kaiju universe until a long list of contract demands are met.
Sun Buster vs Steam-Powered Tentacle Boulder
In the next matchup, Sun Buster, looked to exact some revenge on fellow Hero Steam-Powered Tentacle Boulder in the night’s Black Box Battel. Sun Buster immediately went for the Black Boxes, using weapons to gain an advantage over Boulder, but the former Hero Intern couldn’t knock the rock off his feet.
Finally, Sun Buster doused Boulder with a bucket of water, extinguishing the flame that lights his furnace. Sun Buster jumped on the immobile Boulder attempting to take him down, but Boulder fell forward, pinning Buster and inadvertently winning the match. Even though Boulder has his grate set on the Kaiju Grand Championship, this rivalry has become downright personal and is far from over.
Before the Championship Battel, Louden Noxious introduced the Kaiju wireless Rock Band, featuring Hero Intern ’08 on guitar, the Beav on the drums, and Dino Kang, Jr. on keys. Before they could perform, however, Dr. Cube, who had previously vowed not to appear in Providence, made his shocking presence felt.
Cube revealed that he came to Danger Strikes Back simply to dispel the rumors that he would be involved in the main event fighto between Dusto Bunny and Call-Me-Kevin, before launching into a tirade agains the fans in attendance. Cube then had his Minions throw out Chumps courtesy of Kidrobot to the audience, but the boxes were empty. Such malice did not go unnoticed, nor did Dr. Cube’s intimations that he was the mastermind behind Jingi’s injuries.
Once Cube cleared the Cage, the main event Battel ensued, with Dusto Bunny pushing reigning champ Call-Me-Kevin to the limit. The competitive fighto could have gone either way until the Iron Brothers returned to Kaiju, seemingly hired to destroy the Kaiju Grand Champion. Dusto Bunny, frustrated by this strange turn of events, exited the Cage, leaving Call-Me-Kevin at the mercy of the fearsome ferrous fraternity.
With no referee in sight, the Iron Bro-hams took turns laying out Call-Me-Kevin. Disgusted at the site of such a blatant beat-down, Dusto Bunny put his differences with CMK aside, and cleared house, living up to his Hero name. Call-Me-Kevin, saved from certain doom, responded in typical fashion by bashing Dusto, whose back was turned, with a building. Once Kevin hit the leap of crustacean from the top of the Cage, a heavily-bandaged Referee Jingi miraculously returned to make the final three count.
After Danger Struck Back, many questions remain: Will Hero Intern ’08 rise through the ranks with his rock star poses? Will Chris Hero strike again? Can Steam-Powered Tentacle Boulder finally challenge Call-Me-Kevin for the Championship Belt? How awesome is the glow-in-the-dark Danger Strikes Back poster? Will someone reimburse Louden for his smashed Rock Band set? Most importantly, will Boston, Massachusetts be prepared for Danger when these questions are answered on May 10th?
Results
Metal Wing Black def D.W. Cycloptopuss III despite interference by Unibouzu & Hawaiian Paddler Tadd Bradley
Kaiju Double Danger Tandem Title Match: American Beetle & Neo Teppen (c) def Dai Hachi Hachi & Yarsmenko
Chris Hero def Super Wrong (Chris Hero attacked Dino Kang Jr. before the match)
Steam-Powered Tentacle Boulder def Sun Buster
Kaiju Grand Championship Match: Call-Me-Kevin (c) def Dusto Bunny despite interference by the Iron Bros.
Kaiju Big Battel 