New and Improved Boston Massacre (Kaiju 033)

May 10, 2008

Boston, MA

After recent New York and Providence Battels, Kaiju returned home on May 10th, 2008 for the New & Improved Boston Massacre. Saturday night proved to be alright for fighto, as fans were treated to an evening of attempted rabbit mutilation, electric guitar hot-potato, time-travel, water balloon violence, and more monster mayhem than you can shake an ice cream cone at.

New & Improved Boston Massacre
The evening also featured the debut of the newest member of the Kaiju family, Referee Nikuman, who took the reffing reins while Senior Official Jingi recovers from injuries sustained at Danger Strikes Back last month.

Dusto Bunny vs Tucor
The night kicked off with a fluffy fighto, as Dr. Cube’s hideous hybrid Tucor took on Kaiju Hero Dusto Bunny. The hard-hitting hare seemed to be on his way to victory with the Bunny Shot from the top rope, but Dr. Cube’s Minions decided to get involved and pushed the leaping lagomorph off the turnbuckle.

Just as it looked like Dusto was about to unwillingly make a donation to Tucor’s hideous new rabbit’s foot necklace, his Yokosuka Jump Squadron teammate Super Wrong came to the rescue. With the help of the futuristic funky freak, Dusto danced away with the win.

HI08 vs The Grudyin
The Hero Intern ’08 entered his second Kaiju match without his trusty guitar “Jiro,” which had been stolen earlier in the month and pawned off to the evil Dr. Cube. But what the Intern was lacking in heavy metal firepower, he made up for in fighting spirit in his showdown with The Grudyin.

Even given The Grudyin’s sharp new wrestling singlet, the Intern somehow scored the major upset. The celebration would be short lived for the guitar Hero-in-training, as Dr. Cube made his presence felt, hinting not-so-subtly that he wasn’t planning on standing pat for the rest of the night.

Sekmet & Los Ice Creams vs Slo Feng & The Osirian Portal
The next fighto saw two of Kaiju’s biggest and baddest mix it up with stars from Chikara Pro. The gargantuan space pirate Sekmet tagged up with Los Ice Creams to take on Kaiju Hero Slo Feng and the the Osirian Portal in the Boston Cream Massacre.

Despite the incredible teamwork of the creepy cone heads and the unmatched power of the monolithic marauder, the team of Slo Feng, Ophidian and Amasis got the win in an exciting, high-flying match. As Socrates once said, “You can bring a space pirate to the party, but ice cream will always melt under the hot Egyptian sun.”

Uchu Chu vs French Toast
The raucous Roxy crowd was pumped to see Uchu Chu the Space Bug defend his Le European Championship against Kaiju Hero French Toast in what promised to be a technical mat classic, but the Space Bug leader managed to sneak a quick upset win over the Parisian Powerhouse.

Uchu Chu vs Powa Ranjuru
French Toast might’ve just been an appetizer for Uchu Chu, but The Swarm and Yarsminko decided he’d make a good meal and tried to eat the fallen Hero! Fortunately for the French one, Powa Ranjuru came out to the rescue, and challenged Uchu to a match for the European title.

It was a knock-down, drag-out affair featuring water balloons, staple guns and step ladders, but Uchu Chu managed to get the hard-earned victory and retain his title.

Main Event
Finally, it was time for the main event. The Kaiju Commissioner had declared Neo Teppen the number-one contender to Call-Me-Kevin’s Kaiju Championship, which did not sit well with Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder and Dr. Cube. To avoid a repeat of “Danger Strikes Back” a month earlier when the Iron Brothers disrupted the main event, and to pacify Boulder’s complaints, the Steam Powered Hero was given the task of being the special guest ringside enforcer to prevent any more fightus interruptus.

And enforce he did, as attempted interference from the Sea Amigos and the Iron Brothers was swiftly dealt with by the unmatched power of Boulder. Unfortunately, Dr. Cube isn’t a Doctor for nothing; the evil mastermind did his homework and identified Boulder’s weakness. Cube doused him with water, extinguished his flame, stopped the rock, and began to wreak havoc on Neo Teppen and Call-Me-Kevin.

Call-Me-Kevin and Neo Teppen had already been going at each other in an intense showdown even before Dr. Cube showed his mangled face. With the Boulder bouncer taken care of, the fresh Cube easily got the advantage on both weary competitors. It seemed as though, despite not even being in the match, the Bad Doctor would be leaving the Roxy with the Kaiju Championship Belt instead of Teppen or CMK!

Just when things looked their most bleak, however, the Hero Intern ’08 came out to settle his score with Cube, and fed him a steady diet of electric guitar to the face.

With the diabolical doctor out of the picture, Teppen and CMK resumed their epic encounter. Call-Me-Kevin put up a valiant fight, but in the end, he was no match for the intergalactic super powers of Neo Teppen. Nikuman counted the three, the hand was raised, and a new champion was crowned in Boston!

When all was said and done, the Kaiju Heroes had a largely successful night. Although both French Toast and Powa Ranjuru fell to Uchu Chu, the Heroes scored some big wins. Dusto Bunny defeated Tucor, the Hero Intern recovered his precious guitar, Slo Feng saved Boston from certain dairy doom with the help of Ophidian and the Funky Pharaoh, and most importantly, Neo Teppen captured the Kaiju Championship in a match for the ages.

But not everything is bright and sunny in Hero-land. Dusto may have left the Roxy with both of his feet, but he’s nowhere closer to finding out who hired the Iron Brothers and cost him his shot at the title last month in Providence. Powa Ranjuru fought valiantly, but Uchu Chu appears to be back with a vengeance, and surely has set his sights on the Double Danger Tag Tandem and Kaiju Championship titles to go with his current belt.

And perhaps worst of all, Dr. Cube is still on the war path, which will undoubtedly lead to Philadelphia and New York this summer where Kaiju is set to devastate in June!