Shpadoinkel Mania 7 (Kaiju 034)

June 1, 2008

Philadelphia, PA

The City of Brotherly Love became the City of Monsterly Aggression on the evening of June 1st, 2008, as Kaiju Big Battel made its triumphant return to Philadelphia at the Trocadero for Shpadoinkel Mania VII.

Pedro Plantain vs The Grudyin
The night got off to a Brotherly feel, as former Kaiju Hero Pedro Plantain came out to take revenge on The Grudyin for the murder of his twin brother Pablo. It’s been two years since the death of the Plantain hero, but judging from the tenacity in Pedro’s eyes, it appears as if it were only yesterday. The Grudyin got the initial advantage on Pedro using his superior size and strength, but the Zombie Plantain came out to even the score with a trash barrel filled with weapons and foreign objects.

Before all was said and done, The Grudyin was bashed with a cinder block, clonked by a 2×4, laid out by some bricks, thwapped by a mace, booted by a dismembered human foot, covered in gasoline and eventually put out of his misery by a devastating smash to the face by the trash barrel itself. If revenge is a dish best served cold, tonight Pedro gave The Grudyin two heaping scoops of Danger Ice Cream.

Vegetius vs Sun Buster
Sun Buster hasn’t had a particularly smooth run since his promotion to Kaiju Hero. But on this night, Buster hoped to get back on the right track by notching his first victory as a full-fledged Kaiju Hero. His opponent? The wild beast known as Vegetius! For a long time, it looked like Sun Buster would continue to go winless, as the giant beast Vegetius ran roughshod over the poor Hero.

Vegetius had a significant size and strength advantage, but a few costly mistakes (along with a little help from Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder) opened up a window of opportunity for Sun Buster to conquer the beast. A flying elbow off the top rope finished Vegetius, and Sun Buster and Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder celebrated together in the ring.

Hero Intern ’08 vs Tucor
The Hero celebration would be short-lived, however, as the nefarious Dr. Cube broke up the party, dissed Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder’s mother, and threw water on the Hero to extinguish his internal furnace. In a perhaps even more fiendish display, Cube even had the gall to run down the city of Philadelphia, their local sports teams, and even their most prized exports, Darryl Hall and John Oates. Finally, the Bad Doctor introduced his half-gerbil, half-toucan abomination known as Tucor, as he was set to take on the high-flying Hero Intern ’08.

Hero Intern ’08 had yet to lose a match in his brief career, but that streak looked to be in serious jeopardy when Tucor trapped the Intern inside a building and blasted him with a double beakhandle from the top rope. But somehow, the Intern managed to kick out. Perhaps spurred on by the support of Kaiju Hero Dusto Bunny, who was at ringside, the Intern broke free of the building, nailed Tucor with his finisher, a devastating sunset flip powerbomb dubbed “The Pistol Whip”, and got the hard-earned pin.

Chris Hero vs American Beetle
Since making his uninvited Kaiju debut in New York a few months ago, human wrestler Chris Hero has made life for the Kaiju Heroes quite the living hell. Kaiju Heroes such as Dusto Bunny, Tadd Bradley, Robox and Super Wrong have all felt the force of the gaijin grappler, and tonight looked to be no exception, as he was set to take on one half of the Kaiju Double Danger Tandem Title holders, American Beetle. Sure, Beetle was arguably one of the most formidable fighters in all of Kaiju Big Battel, but even the most ardent supporters of the Kaiju Heroes had their doubts going up against Chris Hero.

But in the city where the Liberty Bell tolls, American Beetle came out fighting like only a true American Hero can. He dazzled the human with a staggering array of rights and lefts, and stunned Hero with an immaculate spinning headscissors. Chris Hero would not be beaten so easily, however. The supersized human came back with his own assault of cravats, power moves and devastating building blasts to the face of American Beetle.

When Beetle missed the Statue of Liberty off the top rope, Hero looked to finish off the American Hero, but Beetle countered with a surprise small-package pin and got the victory! Hero was bested by the Beetle this night, but who knows when the gaijin grappler will strike again.

Neo Teppen vs Uchu Chu
Finally, the time for the main event showdown had come. Neo Teppen arrived in Philadelphia as the new Kaiju Grand Champion, but Uchu Chu wanted to make sure he didn’t leave Philly that way. For the first time in Kaiju Big Battel history, the holders of the Le European, Double Danger Tandem and Kaiju Grand Championships would face off in the same match.

Fortunately, although a Battel of such intergalactic proportions could destroy the entire Universe, Chikara referee Bryce Remsburg (filling in for the injured Jingi) was present to make sure things wouldn’t get too far out of hand. Although he certainly tried hard, he failed miserably. Within minutes, the Swarm brought a ladder into the fighto.

Powa Ranjuru attempted to even the score with some mayhem of her own. Despite her best efforts, her attempts to help Neo Teppen got them nowhere. Pixie dust, hammers, ladders, nothing could seem to put Uchu Chu away for good. The tide turned against the Kaiju Heroes, however, when a devastating aerial attack by Neo Teppen was dodged by Uchu Chu and hit Powa Ranjuru instead, knocking her out cold.

Amidst the chaos of the Salbinos trying to get Powa out of the ring, Uchu executed an amazing moonsault kick to the ladder, causing it to crash down on everyone, including Neo Teppen. The Space Bug took the opportunity to nail Teppen with two sunset flips, the former onto the unforgiving steel ramp outside the ring, and the latter back into the ring to secure the hard-earned pinfall victory and the Kaiju Grand Championship!

Neo Teppen’s reign as Kaiju Grand Champion was a short one, but he’ll do whatever it takes to recapture the belt. He’d get his opportunity the next week in New York. But on this night in Philadelphia, we saw Plantains get revenge, Sun Buster overcome the odds, Hero Intern ’08 take the next step towards becoming a true Kaiju Hero, the spirit of America triumph over the evil Chris Hero, and a Space Bug add another belt to his collection. Once again, on this epic night in Philadelphia, Danger Happened!