June 7, 2008
New York, NY
It was only a few months earlier when Kaiju Big Battel invaded Webster Hall for a night of live monster mayhem, but New York City proved they were game for more Danger on the night of June 7th, 2008. For on this night, after recent Battels in Providence, Boston and Philadelphia, Kaiju Big Battel was ready to ESCAPE TO NEW YORK! Of course, before we could have Fighto, we needed a referee to call the action. And while Kaiju Senior Official Jingi continues to recover from injuries sustained months earlier in Providence, his replacement on this night would be Kaiju Sophomore Official Nikuman. The New York crowd was skeptical; could this inexperienced referee possibly handle the Danger about to take place?
Dusto Bunny vs Dai Hachi Hachi
The first Fighto had a decidedly funky feel, as the Yokosuka Jump Squadron was to audition a new member; disgruntled Swarm creature Dai Hachi Hachi. Of course, Dai Hachi Hachi wouldn’t be up against the sharp tongue of Simon Cowell, but rather the powerful paws of Kaiju Hero Dusto Bunny! If the freaky space bug could get a victory, he would be granted membership into Super Wrong’s exclusive dance troupe.
Dai Hachi Hachi got the advantage out of the gate, using his speed and generally discomforting dance moves to get the upper hand on the wise old sage of the Kaiju Heroes, but this edge would not last long, as the power and experience of Dusto Bunny became too much for Dai Hachi Hachi to bear. The leaping lagomorph finished off the bizarre bug with a soaring Bunny Shot from the top rope, and the Yokosuka Jump Squadron celebrated in the only way they know how: dancing the night away.
Giii the Space Pirate vs Sun Buster
The next Fighto saw an epic rematch years in the making. In the same week that saw the Celtics and Lakers renew old hostilities, another classic Kaiju rivalry was reborn when Sun Buster took on his old nemesis, Giii the Space Pirate. But unlike last time, Sun Buster was now a full fledged Kaiju Hero! Giii looked like he would make short work of Buster, as the hard-luck Hero couldn’t seem to catch any breaks. But when things look most bleak, that’s when the Kaiju Heroes work their magic, and tonight would be no exception. Sun Buster somehow found an opening, turned the tables on Giii, and finished the Space Pirate off with a gravity-defying flying elbow drop. Another win for the Kaiju Heroes!
Hero Intern ’08 vs The Grudyin
The third Fighto of the night felt a little more… conservative than usual. Not in the ring, of course. There was more carnage than ever between the ropes. But on the Webster Hall stage, Boston’s premier 80’s pop cover saxophone duo Ronald Reagan was kicking out the jams of Survivor, Cyndi Lauper and Michael Jackson, among others, for the Musical Mayhem match between Hero Intern ’08 and The Grudyin.
Hero Intern ’08 scored a big victory over The Grudyin a month earlier, and the undefeated rookie seemed poised to repeat the feat. But in a novice mistake, the Intern got too carried away during the dance sequence of “Beat It”, and while he showed us some sweet moves, he also showed us he didn’t have eyes on the back of his helmet. The Grudyin decked him in mid-moonwalk, then powerbombed him into oblivion for the victory.
D.W. Cycloptopuss III vs Tucor
The next Fighto pitted two despicable Kaiju monsters against each other in a Battel of fame, fortune and vinyl figurines. Dr. Cube’s terrifying toucan/gerbil combination Tucor took on Sea Amigo and overall scumbag D.W. Cycloptopuss III in a Marmit Merchandise Contract Match. The winner would have a vinyl figurine by Marmit made in their likeness, surely leading to cultural icon status across the world, if not the universe. Jimmy Sprinkles, a lucky fan who won a contest to present the winner with the contract, quickly became quite the unlucky fan when both competitors went straight for him in an effort to cheat their way to the contract.
Many low blows, hits from behind, cheap shots, and free T-shirt giveaways from Rockstar Games later, the clam-scented Cycloptopuss grabbed the contract. Of course, his celebration was short-lived, as the wild beast Vegetius came out, blasted Cycloptopuss with a clothesline from the top rope, and walked out of Webster Hall with a nice new merchandising deal.
Cube!!!
The evil Dr. Cube came out to tell Webster Hall that the planned main event rematch of Uchu Chu vs Neo Teppen was a sham, since he was not involved. Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder came out next, and after Dr. Cube dissed his mother one too many times, Boulder clobbered the Bad Doctor with a barrage of left and right tentacles. The New York crowd was happy to see Cube hit the bricks, if only because it was time for the much-anticipated main event of the evening!
Uchu Chu vs Neo Teppen
One week earlier, Neo Teppen’s reign as Kaiju Grand Champion was ended prematurely by Uchu Chu the Space Bug in Philadelphia. Although there’s no shame in losing to Uchu Chu, arguably the most formidable foe in all of the Kaiju Universe, the loss was an embarrassing one for Neo Teppen, who only held the title for less than a month. As such, the Hero demanded, and was granted, a one-time-only rematch in Webster Hall. Win, and he would recapture the Kaiju Championship Belt. Lose, and the floodgates would be opened for Uchu Chu and the Swarm to infest the entire world!
Despite being outnumbered by the Swarm at ringside, and being the target of one particularly ferocious female Swarm member all night, Teppen held his own in the Kaiju Big Ring. Although never one to be complacent or gentle, Uchu Chu was especially vicious tonight, even attacking Kaiju Sophomore Official Nikuman! But amidst the carnage in and outside the ring, fans saw perhaps one of the most exciting Fightos in Kaiju Big Battel history.
Back and forth the momentum of the match swung, like a metronome watching a tennis match. But after a little help from the Swarm, Uchu appeared to have the match won and rolled up Neo Teppen for an unbreakable pinning combination. But Uchu’s own overzealousness cost him a sure victory, as the same Sophomore Official he had earlier knocked out was still lying motionless on the ground, and no pin count could be registered.
Amidst the confusion and frustration, Teppen took advantage of his opportunity, dispatched the Swarm, stunned Uchu Chu, and caught the Space Bug in his finisher, the Reverse Summit Plummet. And Sophomore official Nikuman, earlier in the night booed because no one thought he could fill Jingi’s illustrious shoes, and despite the Swarm member on his back grabbing and hitting him, somehow managed to count the three. Neo Teppen had recaptured the championship!
At the end of the night, fans saw more action than anyone could’ve imagined, and perhaps most importantly, the world remembered why there’s no one better than the Kaiju Heroes. Uchu Chu isn’t necessarily evil, per se; at least not in comparison to Dr. Cube. But the Space Bug has proven time and time again that he will do absolutely anything to win. Beating up innocent bystanders, bending rules, getting a little help from his friends; Uchu Chu is not above anything when it comes to winning. And tonight in Webster Hall, Uchu threw the rules out the window and threw everything but the kitchen sink at Neo Teppen. And somehow, the Kaiju Hero with 27 secret powers withstood the onslaught, overcame the odds, and walked out of New York City once again with the Kaiju Grand Championship. Good Fighto, Good Nighto.
Results
Dusto Bunny def Dai Hachi Hachi
Sun Buster def Giii The Space Pirate
The Grudyin def Metal Wing Black
D.W. Cycloptopuss III def Tucor
Kaiju Grand Championship Match: Neo Teppen def Uchu Chu (c) (Title Change)
Kaiju Big Battel 