American Beetle

In the realm of live monster wrestling, American Beetle once held the distinction of being the smarmiest character to grace the stage. A consummate huckster hero, he possessed a knack for pilfering your belongings and then attempting to peddle them back to you with a disingenuous smile. The jingoistic insect exuded an aura that skirted the line of overt malevolence, yet he masterfully cloaked his true intentions beneath a facade of seeming goodness. His pre-match tirades overflowed with cunning and crafty rhetoric, a deluge of words imbued with artful deceit. American Beetle, garbed in spandex, embodied the archetype of a hero one would hesitate to entrust with their own sister.

Yet, a transformation befell American Beetle, steering him away from the path of swindling showmanship, and perhaps steering him toward a campaign strategy. Whether it was a deluded manifestation of patriotism or the guise of a crooked demagogue, American Beetle came to believe himself a former American president, embarking on a re-election campaign in earnest.

The truth behind his origins was far less glamorous, revealing that American Beetle was the offspring of an immigrant single-mother who relied on the U.S. government’s support through minimum wage, food stamps and bilingual education. She imbued her child with a fervent patriotism, dressing him exclusively in Captain America Underoos, instilling morning chants of “God Bless America” and nightly recitations of the Pledge of Allegiance
before bed. Moreover, she steered his romantic life toward women with names that bore the imprint of First Ladies past.

Yet, amidst this fervent display of patriotism, a pivotal moment arrived for American Beetle, shattering his world in the year of 2011, when he was tragically struck blind during a fierce encounter in Philadelphia with the nefarious Hell Monkey. The fiery creature wielded a bottle of Hell Monkey Hot Sauce as his weapon of blindness, leaving American Beetle in complete darkness.

According to doctors, a full eye transplant was his only hope, but his meager hero salary and the reluctance of his insurance plan rendered it an unattainable dream. In this period of darkness, the light of realization dawned upon him. Inspired by the wisdom of President Obama and the notion that healthcare should be accessible to all, it became a guiding principle for American Beetle. He embraced the cause of health care reform, turning away from his former affiliations and adopting a newfound allegiance to the Democratic party. He even took up recycling in his own home, gave food to the hungry and volunteered at his local animal shelter- epitomizing the transformative power of personal conviction.

No longer did he fight merely for America-his mission transcended politics to champion the cause of the American people. The Star-Spangled Banner that once blinded him now illuminated a path of righteousness, a path he would tread with newfound purpose.