The Pitts & The Pendulum (Kaiju 149)

• Tikirilla def Zealot under suspicious circumstances:

Zealot stumbles out with a knife in his back… Murder!

American Beetle comes out to investigate with a giant magnifying glass and a Sherlock hat and pipe. Beetle tells the announcers that Zealot has been murdered!

Cube enters with a Columbo trench coat. He announces that he is conducting an independent investigation. He looks over the body and concludes that Zealot was, in fact, not murdered… he was killed!

Tiki stops the announcers from moving the body, and pins it for a 3 count after bribing Referee Dundee with Reese’s.

American Beetle annonces that some suspicious BANANA DNA was found on the knife planted in Zealot’s back. (Side Note: Did you know that bananas are radioactive? It’s true!)

• Burger Bear def Super Minion 96

Cube comes out to clear the air and dispel the rumors that Hell Monkey is the one who murdered Zealot. According to Cube, he was clipping Hell Monkey’s nails backstage and they were listening to their favorite USHER HOUSE DJ MIXES! A heart begins to beat as Cube becomes flustered and leaves the ring.

• French Toast def Tucor

• Sirökos def Unibouzu

There’s a break in the case! American Beetle announces that they found MONKEY DNA on top of the BANANA DNA that they found ON THE KNIFE that was found IN ZEALOT’S BACK!

Dr. Cube comes out and reminds the audience who was in the opening contest… A MONKEY! TIKIRILLA! He demands that Tikirilla turns himself in before losing focus and rambling about bad sound production and the acoustics in this dusty old church full of mooks! He gets angry and storms out again, but not before he decries the sound of a heart beating.

• Steam-Powered Tentacle Boulder def Super Minion 13

Cube announces that he has constructed A GIANT PENDULUM (it’s a metronome) and he is going to give Tikirilla a chance to turn himself in and face the PENDULUM. He says that it’s the right thing to do, and that he won’t be leaving this stink hole town until he comes out to face the heartbe– I MEAN MUSIC!

• American Beetle def Hell Monkey (w/Dr.Cube)

During the match, the heart begins to beat again, driving Cube mad, he starts freaking out and jumps into the ring begging them to stop the heartbeat. He grabs a microphone and confesses! He was the one who killed Zealot!

He just bought the last ULTRA RARE AUTOGRAPHED SINGLE OF IRON MAIDEN’S MURDER IN THE RUE MORGUE, and was playing it on repeat in the back! WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? NOT KILL HIM?!

Beetle is aghast. Cube asks Hell Monkey if he will ever forgive him. Hell Monkey thinks about it. Cube bribes him with a banana, and gives him a big hug. They attack Beetle… together!

However, the heartbeat returns, scaring Cube off once and for all! American Beetle pins Hell Monkey for the win!